Pimp Nuggets

I say a lot of weird things. I am usually unaware of it, but sometimes it catches my attention. No wait, that's a lie. I'm always aware of it... Sometimes, though, I do say things that I don't realize are weird.

I decided to make a short list of my weird words and phrases to share with you, my ever loving weirdos.

Poop - I know that this actually isn't that weird of a word, but I use it weirdly often. As in almost hourly.

Poop nuggets

Nuggets - in general when talking about people or things is a little strange. I call children nuggets

Gol durdle - in place of gosh darnit! Actually, my whole family uses this phrase with the exception of my dad because he's too cool to be weird. So... My sister and I do this thing where we talk like toddlers and one day she was standing at the fridge and for some reason she was frustrated. I don't remember why... But she struggled to get out the words and out popped Gol Durdle. We both laughed and she tried again and it came out a second time.

As I sit here laughing to myself I realize that it may not be as funny to you. And to that I say poop on you!

Mother- This is one of those words that I can use at nearly any time. As a description: That hurt like a mother! As an exclamation: Oh mother!

Mother Humper- just an extension of mother really. That hurt like a mother humper.

I'm sure there are more that I really can't think of at the moment. And I don't know how to end this post.

Goodbye

Fatty fat fat

It's been too long since I posted and I apologize to you... My dear friend. Why, only friend? As in one, surely there must be more than one person reading this. No, no. I assure you. There isn't. I actually wasn't even talking to you, I was talking to my Internet... Actually if we're going to be specific I was talking to my phone.

I'm blogging on my phone in the sauna. Mostly because I'm that cool. But partly because I'm at the gym. I'm desperately trying to turn this prepubescent boys body into a woman's body before April.

As some of you may know, in April I will be turning 25 :( I don't know how to handle it. All of my life plans are about to be seriously down the drain.

I was supposed to graduate college 2 years ago - bust. It only happened 8 months ago

I was supposed to get a job right after that - surprise! That was the only part that was successful

I was supposed to be married at 24 - bust. But don't worry, all of my friends are making good on this part

I was supposed to have a baby at 25 - bust! Gol Durdle! Now, you'll have to forgive me. I never cuss in writing, it was something my wise mother taught me. But I'm just so upset. I'm a faiiiluuure! (Please imagine me saying that with my hand upon my forehead in a dramatic tone)

Anyway. All of my life failures isn't really what this post is about. This post is about being fat.

About 2 years ago I lost 20 pounds. Between this summer and fall I put 15 of that back on :( I was a piece of poop this summer. I didn't ever exercise, I ate like a man, and I generally was just lazy. When I say 'eat like a man' I like to compare myself to the men in my life... Namely my dad and my brother who are just garbage disposals. If its on your plate you eat it, you eat everything. You aren't picky, you probably don't even know what it's called, you just devour! This is especially true for my brother, I've seen him eat 2/3 of an entire dish of chicken tetrazzini, I wasn't far behind that either. Which is why I got fat.

Now that's another thing. I hate when I say things like 'I got fat' and people come back with 'you're not fat'. Shut up. Did I ask you to compliment me? No. I didn't. The only person I do that for is my boyfriend and most of the time I actually walk him through it
"Now tell me I'm pretty"
"You're so pretty"
"And tell me I'm smart"
"The smartest girlfriend ever"

Did I say "tell me I'm not fat"...?

Um... Uh... Nope. I don't mean turn around an tell me I'm a cow or anything. I just mean that when I say something like that I really am just saying words and I'm not fishing for compliments.

So I happened to gain weight, I prefer to shorten that with 'got fat'. It's not like I got skinnier either, it's definitely noticeable. I'm 5'2 for crying out loud... You notice fatness when it's there. So by telling me you didn't notice or you can't tell... Ha! Please! Don't make it such a joke. I'm just trying to have conversation.

This is also why I never tell people who say 'I'm fat' that they aren't. It's either they are looking for a compliment which I'm not going to give, or they're like me and they aren't sugar coating anything (although I would eat sugar coated anything at the moment).

One more thing! I hate when people try to give me advice. Look, I lost 20 pounds once before and I kept it off for a pretty good while. When was the last time YOU lost that much weight? Probably never. It's stupid annoying. I rarely ask for advice as it is... I know myself, I know my body, I know my own wants and needs... Please don't try to tell me what you think might work , instead how about you try going away. Great thanks.

On my final note I would like to add a picture of me right after I left the sauna. Anyone who knows me knows that I just don't freaking sweat. Here is a picture after sitting in that hot box for 12 minutes.

Someone please use it as a cover photo on a dating website.

Feeeelings

The Best Feeling in the World

Do you wanna know one of the best feelings in the whole world? Taking your eyelashes off after a long day of being pretty. What? I’m the only one who wears fake eyelashes? It’s really not that I need them, I have fairly long eyelashes as it is… I wear them because it’s fun and I think they make my eyes look more dynamic.

Then that got me thinking about what some of the best feelings in the world are.

And I’m talking about physical feelings, not the mushy gushy lovey feelings you get when your boyfriend tells you you’re pretty.

So, I’ve compiled a list of the top 10 best feelings in the world!

1. Finally getting a chance to eat or drink something when you’re dying of hunger or thirst

2. Going pee when you’ve been holding it all freaking day!

3. Taking your bra off

4. Taking all of your clothes off when you get home from work and you look snazzy all day just to come home and put on your brothers sweatpants and your boyfriends hoodie

5. Putting your hair up when it’s been down all day, or taking your hair down when it’s been up all day

6. Taking off your high heels

7. Laying down in a freshly made bed

8. Washing your face with cool water when you’re all sweaty

9. Taking a shower after a really good work out

10. Jumping in a pool and your hair flows around like a mermaid

Maybe some of these don’t apply to you, or maybe you don’t really agree with some of my list. Let me just tell you this. I don’t care, go away, you shouldn’t be reading this anyway!

Christmas Sweaters

Hello my loser friends. Why are you back? Just kidding, I know why :) You’re all so fascinated with how much of a loser that I actually am, that you stopped by to see if I was just putting on a show or if I really am just this incredibly weird.

I assure you, long, lost, internet friends, that I am STILL weird.

In fact, this week is our last week before Christmas Break starts. I have made the decision to wear ugly sweaters every day.

You have that many ugly sweaters?! I know that’s exactly what ran through your mind. And the answer is yes, I do. Thank you very much. Although, I didn’t. I went out thrifting over the weekend and bought these!

Wait? So, you didn’t have any, and you went out and bought an entire weeks worth of ugly sweaters?

Shut up. Yes. I did. I wanted to be cool ok. I’ve never had a reason to have an ugly sweater before. My grandparents don’t give them to me because they’re more fashionable than I am. I’ve never even been to an ugly sweater party before.

Everybody goes to those! Weren’t you in college for like 10 years? You were never invited to an ugly sweater party?! I was right, you really are a loser.

NO, OK! I was never invited to an ugly sweater party. And I wasn’t in college for 10 years, it was only 6, and I graduated with honors. Wait…. That’s not cool either is it :(

ANYWAY! Now that you’re done picking on me for not having friends in college…

The best part about the sweaters are the compliments I get (and naming the cats, but let me get to that in a minute)

Most people walk by and are like “Hey… oh… your sweater is… nice” Those are the kind people who don’t really know what to say because they don’t want to insult me. They’re not sure if I’m trying to get laughs or if I really enjoy wearing these things. But, they’re trying to be nice because they know in their hearts that every student is talking about that weird sign language teacher.

I usually try to fit in somewhere that I’m wearing ugly sweaters all week and I know I look ridiculous. It’s ok to laugh at them. However, I’m weird when I talk to people, I make weird faces and I’m really awkward. So I don’t think my explanations actually go over well. They’re too busy thinking in their own heads ‘Must leave. Weird girl. Hurry… hurry!’

THEN! There are the sweet older women that work here. This is day #3 of Ugly Sweater Week and each day I’ve gotten “OH, that is SO cute!” “Aw, I really adore that sweater” “How sweet do you look today”

These women are so loving and grandmotherly that I can’t bear to tell them it’s a joke. So, I smile and say thank you and walk away wondering how long it will take me until I become the old woman that enjoys holiday printed fleece.

Anyway… enough about my week, let me just show you the pictures! Also, I want you to know that I didn’t want to ruin any of the photos by smiling. I conveniently added awesome teenage girl poses into my work.

Thank you and Merry Christmas!

Monday-Christmas Cats

Tuesday- Snowmen

Wednesday-Snowflakes

Thursday- 12 year old boy sweater

Friday- band sweater

The Boyfriend

I was recently having a conversation with my boyfriend (I know you’re thinking “What! She has a boyfriend? Seriously? Poor Soul”)  about why so many people are reading my blog. Look. Stop it. He asked me why I was upset about it? The dialogue when a little like this.

“I don’t want people to read it because I’m weird. This blog isn’t actually for people to read, it’s for me to be weird and let out my weird frustrations that only you and my mom read because you already know how weird I am!”

Bald Man- “Then how are you going to have your own movie?”

“I’m not making it into a movie! I’m going to make it into a book and then an Audio book that I read in my own voice like Tina Fey and Ellen do, and then be on Saturday Night Live because that’s what you do when you’re in the big leagues!”

And of course he laughs at me when I say big leagues… but he obviously doesn’t know! It’s the truth. Then I brought up if it were a movie I’d have to cast someone for him

“I’d have to cast that dude for you and that wouldn’t look right as Hayden Panettiere playing me and this old dude being you.”

Bald Man “Jason Stathem?” And of course I had to ask him just now who it was because I don’t even know who this dude is.

“Yea sure whatever, he’s old. I’d rather have Bruce Willis play you but he’s even older. It would be a weird looking  couple.” I said exasperated about deciding why I’m not actually dating an older man.

Bald Man “yea but Jason Stathem didn’t look as old 10 years ago.”

“NEITHER DID BRUCE…. LEE! I DON’T KNOW WHY I CAN’T REMEMBER THAT HIS NAME IS BRUCE WILLIS AND BRUCE LEE IS ALL THAT’S COMING TO MY HEAD” I shouted at him

Bald Man “Bruce Willis wasn’t bald 10 years ago.

“What? Yes he was! I’ll go look it up right now.” So I go search up on Imdb.com to find Bruce Willis

“Ok… so now it’s 2012… so in… Nineteen nineeetyyy tw…”

Bald man “2002!”

“Yes, exactly, that’s what I was saying. He was bald in the 6^th Sense.”

Bald Man “I didn’t see that movie so it doesn’t count.”

“…….”

“Ok… Here we go. 2000. Unbreakable. BALD!”

“oh… well.. did he have a goatee?”

“No! BUT HE COULD GROW ONE!” again with the random yelling, like he wouldn’t have gotten the point without me yelling at him.

Bald Man “and he could shave his head!”

I don’t think I even responded to this because it didn’t seem to make any sense to me. But it stuck.

“I think he looks more like you than the other dude anyway. (Again, I’ve still forgotten his name. I could go back to look it up, but I won’t) You have the same shape head…”

Bald Man “ARE YOU SAYING I HAVE A FAT HEAD?”

“… and the slanty eyes and the thin upper lip. And yes, you do have a fat head. Get over yourself. His ears are bigger than yours.”

Bald Man “Are you kidding?! My ears are huge!” I don’t actually think huge is the word he used, but I can’t remember now. It’s been a good 10 minutes since this conversation took place. I’m growing forgetful in my old age.

“Ok? Fine then… (as I’m looking at him on Skype and wondering what he is talking about) Your ears are about as big as a helipad.”

He just laughed at me again.

“See… now this is blog material.”

Bald Man “Our conversation? You should write it.”

“No… because it’s late and I’m not going to remember what we talked about and I’m talking to you and that would mean that I would have to type it all up tonight because then I’ll forget it all and it’s just too hard.”

Bald Man “Well I’m going to play Assassins Creed, so go write your blog.”

“Ok!”

Alright… so I might be the easiest person in the world to convince to do things. OBVIOUSLY, this conversation didn’t mean as much to him as it meant to me. I don’t think he really understands that this blog could make or break my famousness. I NEED this! And what does he do? Goes and plays video games as I’m trying to plan for the rest of my life.

Now that you know… I don’t really know what you know… He’s as weird as me? He handles my weirdness well… He’s a poor sucker and I love him…. Whatever it is that you know, you know it, and you know all of it. Now go to bed. It’s late. 

Frumpy Butt :(

Yes, yes... I know I’ve been a frumpy-butt lately with my posts… sorry. I’ll try to win your love back today with showing you how much of a happy person I am! :) As many things that I hate… there are about half as many things that I absolutely love. I know, that doesn’t sound as positive as you’d like it to, but it’s out there so take it or leave it.

I’ve had a really good week and it’s time to reflect on that.

Things I Love.

It goes without saying that I love my family, friends, and boyfriend. We’re not talking about them, we’re talking about me.

Cereal. Any kind. At any time.

Uhmm… you should see me sitting here eating my cereal as I try to think of more things. I’m looking around trying to find somethi- OH!

I love painting my nails! And manicures and pedicures and the whole shebob. It makes me feel more distinguished. You will never see me without my toe-toes painted, it looks too weird. I think there may have been a total of 5 days in the last 10 years that I’ve gone without painting my toenails.

I love hoodies and sweat pants. I love going home from school being dressed up all day (which I also love) and taking off everything to snuggle up in my comfy clothes.

I love curly lion hair. I, sadly, don’t have it. Instead I’m stuck with pin straight hippy hair.

SHOES! I wear a size 7.5. Thanks in advance.

I love my boyfriend’s cologne. I’d spray it on myself if I didn’t already look like a little boy in my sweats. No need to weird people out even more.

I love Deaf voice. Maybe that’s weird. Obviously this is the first post of mine you’ve read then. If you didn’t know before now that I was off my rocker you might have been off yours too... I don’t know why, I think that maybe it’s because it reminds me of my brother, but I like the way Deaf people sound when they talk :) It makes me happy

I love singing and dancing like a fool in front of my students. They hate it and love it, they’re really not sure whether to laugh or roll their eyes. Either way, I’m liked for the most part.

I love summer! And the sun and swimming… you know the way your hair floats in the water when you’re submerged… it makes me feel like a mermaid. And I love that.

I LOOOOVEEE… THINGS! I don’t know. I’m stuck

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS! YES! I put up my own lights for the first time ever this year and I think they look so good. It makes me so excited! Too bad my electric bill is going to be through the roof this month… Oopsie!

I also love snow, the way it looks over all the trees and the grass and the other ugly things. The way it looks when you’re sitting inside with your blankie and cup of hot chocolate and you see it falling… and you don’t have to go outside. I love snow, unless I have to go outside. I play in the snow about one time every year. After that, screw the snow, it’s too cold and I have things to do, get off my car, get out of my way… No, I don’t want to take 15 minutes to get dressed warm enough to take my 7 minute drive to work and then take it all back off.

I love telling my students I used to be ugly. It’s even better in ASL… but for some reason they don’t seem to believe me… But let me tell you. My face was one hot mess from about 10-19. HOT. MESS.

I love when people are kind. I LOVE when people go out of their way to do little things for someone who isn’t expecting it. It makes my heart explode out of my eyes… in the form of tears.

I love crying. I think. Why else would I do it so much.

Ok, we need to go. Get out of here and get a job you whippersnapper.

And yet again. I love glitter. I asked my mom if I could glitter her cane after knee surgery. She tried to change the subject, but she didn’t say no!

THAT'S SO COOL!

As I'm sitting here bored and lonely and not wearing any pants (Ew, weirdo, stop thinking like that. The bottom of my pants were wet from walking outside and I took them off!), I was suggested that I write a new blog. I hate trying to figure out what to write about. Lucky enough for me, I wrote down some of my ideas.

I thought about writing about the things I love since I left off on such a poopy note in my last blog...

I thought about writing about my Christmas memories...

I thought... nope. Those were my only two ideas. But then, THEN, I remembered that I wanted to blog about how much I HATE telling people what I do for a living.

I also hate when people tell me that I don't want a baby... Excuse me? You don't even know my favorite color, please tell me again how you know what I want and don't want. YOU don't want a baby. I do.

But that's not this or that. I just felt like it needed to be said.

I teach ASL, that's American Sign Language for all of you hearing people. At one point I used to think it was awesome to know something that not many other people know. Don't get me wrong, I still think it's cool. I still use it with my friends when I want to talk about people or about things that I don't want others to know. I love ASL and signing and all of my Deaf friends. But it is TORTUROUS to me to have these conversations with people. It always goes one of two ways (and sometimes on really lucky days it goes in both directions). My conversations always, without fail, go like this...

Bum "So what do you do?" 

Me "I teach sign language." I almost always have to say "sign language" because most people don't understand ASL or American Sign Language.

Bum "Oh, that's so cool!" as their face lights up in excitement and they flop their hands around acting like someone who knows how to sign.

Me "Yeaaa... thanks?"

Bum "I ALWAYS wanted to learn sign language! I saw Deaf people once and they were signing. It was SO. COOL!" still tangling their hands within each other now just embarassing themselves

Me "Yea, I like it." What else am I supposed to say? You look like a fool and I really don't know how I should react to your child-like candor.

OR

Me "I teach sign language..."

Cretin "OH COOL! I know some sign language! What does this mean?!"

FIRST OFF!

I TEACH ASL. This is not a guessing game, it is not my job to try and decipher what your hand spasms mean. And just because you had a friends aunts cousins brother who was Deaf does NOT mean you know how to sign. 

Great! I am all for people who are interested and try to learn ASL. But for real try to learn... Educate yourself... learn about Deaf people and their language and culture. That's totally awesome, but your niece's daughter who is learning baby sign and knows 6 signs also isn't ASL.

Second.

I will not give you lessons for free... Do I look like I want to spend all of this extra time with you trying to teach you something that all you're ever going to say to me is "Why is it this way, and why isn't it that way?"

ASL was not created for you to learn. It is a LANGUAGE for people to use to communicate with each other... I know... shocker right?

Third.

These people ask about my job title. I usually start with I teach sign language to high school students. It's just like a foreign language, just like you took Spanish or French in high school.

I really don't know how I can get any more straight forward than that. No. My kids are not Deaf, I can understand that maybe at first you might think that... but I can only explain so much before the dimwit is a lost cause. 

NO! I do not "translate". I teach. Now, that annoys me. Mostly because it's called interpreting, not translating. And also because I said I teach... "Hi, I teach ASL." Um... anywhere in there did I actually say something other than teach?

And then...

Someone always asks  "do you know someone who is... uh... can't... um...."

Like Deaf is a bad word? Calm down people. How can you get SO excited about the language of the Deaf, but be afraid to talk about the people? I really don't get it.

"Yes, my brother is Deaf."

"Oh, ooh (sympathetic voice)... Does he lipread?!"

"....." 

Now this is a question that I really don't mind answering. I think it's important that hearing people learn about Deaf people and lipreading skills. However, you're too late. You already turned me off with your twitch fit making me guess Swimming when you were trying to sign Bacon...

Oh... hmmph... What can I even say? I really do love ASL, and I even love my job. I just don't love telling people that have no wits and being forced to suffer through their idiotic hand movements. 

So, in that case, I leave you with this. When you come upon someone who knows ASL, be short. You can be interested, you can even say you want to learn, a quick comment about how you have a friend who teaches it... but for the love of God, please keep your hands out of our faces!

Also. I still love glitter.