You can't talk about that.

Alright, so. I'm going to be talking about something that I always find hard to talk about. It always seems taboo, so I rarely bring it up.
Depression. Anxiety. Counseling.

As some of you may know after my last ordeal with hives (remember the post about going to the Dr and she was clueless, I had a picture of hives all over my face, swollen with raggedy hair) - Anyway, I finally went to an allergist to determine what I needed to avoid so I would never have to deal with that again. I would have given up cake if they told me I'd never have another hive in my life. Well, I went, and I'm not allergic to a thing. Not a single thing. So my allergist ordered a blood test on my thyroid, did it, got the results and I have a disease called Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I don't expect anyone to actually go research this, but since I've done a decent amount of that in the time I've known about it, I've summed it up for you:

It's an autoimmune disease which means sometimes my immune system attacks my thyroid. It is the leading cause of hypothyroidism - underactive thyroid - so my thyroid doesn't make enough of the hormones that my body needs.

Symptoms of Hashimoto's (There are many more, these are the ones that apply to me the most)

• Insomnia - why I'm writing this at 3 am.
• Low metabolism
• Irregular Periods or Menorrhagia - I was diagnosed with that in my late teens
• Anxiety/Depression

Most of these things I have dealt with on and off my entire life, I always just assumed they were normal things. But I'm really not here to talk about my thyroid.

There aren't really a lot of people that know my whole story, but tonight I was talking to my friend about dealing with anxiety and depression. I think it's about time that it comes out into the open because at my worst times not only did I feel alone, I felt like I couldn't talk about these things because its so taboo. People don't want to hear about how sad you are or how worried you are. I was ashamed that I couldn't control my emotions, that I couldn't quit dwelling, and I was ashamed that I had started to see a therapist. Those are things for other people. Not for me, I'm an independent woman, I'm a grown up, my finances are under control, I held a steady job - so why was I such a nutcase?

Back in September (2013) I had a couple big changes in my life, medical, personal, and professional - and I hit absolute rock bottom. I woke up, I went to work, I came home and went to bed. Repeat. Everything made me sick, I over thought everything and nothing. I basically quit my life. I lost 16 pounds in a month, I'm pretty sure I went 3 days in a row without chewing anything. I had to force myself to eat because I still had limited functional thought about nutrition. I talked to a few people about my problems, sobbing through every conversation. I couldn't control it, I couldn't control anything for that matter; and again, I was beyond ashamed of myself. Other people have gone through way worse things and they are living normal, healthy lives.

Eventually, I was recommended a therapist and I started going. I was prescribed anti-anxiety/depression and sleep medication. It really helped me, but do you want to know what's so disgusting about this? I spent so much time living with this I actually began to miss the sick feeling I would get in my gut. You know that place right above your stomach that turns over when you're overly worried about something? Suddenly, something would pop up and I would think about something that's wrong and I realized I didn't have that wrench in my gut, that pang, that twist you get when you're suddenly terrified. The best way to describe it is that I didn't feel full anymore, somehow I wasn't satisfied with my own anxiety.

Anyway, I didn't tell a soul, not even my family. It took me a month before I even told my best friend
and you know what she told me? That she takes medication for anxiety AND that it's a lot more common than I thought. I was shocked! How did I not know this about her? I'm sure she wasn't hiding it from me because she thought I would judge her... People just don't talk about things like this.

How do you even bring something like that up?
"I had spaghetti for dinner tonight, also, I'm on Xanax."
"Oh really, I love spaghetti."

A lot of people inadvertently made me feel worse than I already did. They never meant to do it, most of the time they were actually trying to help. But the majority of the time it came off as very condescending. "Stop thinking about it so much." "Have you tried doing more things to keep you busy" "Go to the gym, exercise releases endorphins. It will make you feel better." "Have you prayed about it?" "You need a man."

That one was always the worst... making a reference to dating. 1)  I'm an independent woman, I'm a grown up, my finances are under control, I held a steady job. I don't need men! and 2) I was 7 shades of crazy, WHY would I want to bring a poor soul into that?

Yes, once I climbed out of the pit of despair I dove into everything I could to make myself stop thinking. I volunteered at an animal shelter on Thursdays, went to Bible study twice a week, started babysitting after school every day for a 7 year old girl. I went to the gym every day. But it doesn't work like that for me. I still struggled every day. Every night that I made it to bed without crying was a success. Bible study was wonderful, completely eye opening... but after I left every night I felt more alone than I did before I went. Going to the gym never made me feel better, it was more time in solitude that I had time to think. Except! When I started CrossFit! That hour of my day was truly the only time I completely forgot my brain and was focused 100% on my body. That's half the reason I love it so much, and shout out to the amazing people that pushed me through when they had absolutely no idea what they were doing for me.

The only time I really felt like me was when I was teaching. I had 130 other faces all day that needed my attention. But even then, I wasn't giving them everything they needed, I couldn't give them all of me. I couldn't focus enough to plan great lessons, I became frustrated very easily, I slacked on grading and returning their things to them on time. I think most of them knew something was really wrong with me, and for the most part they tried. They showed me a lot of love and support through out the year, and I can never repay them for that.

Fast forward. Throughout the past 10ish months I've gone through the lowest lows and the most ecstatic highs and everything inbetween. Recently, however, I've been off of all medication and I have been fighting to be normal. (I say 'fighting' because some days that's truly what you're doing) Some of the reason I'm not taking anything is medical, some of it is necessary, and there is a part of me that wants to see if I can be in control again without the medicine. But today, it's hard, really hard.

It's not always a constant thing, I'm not sad or crying 24 hours a day. In fact there are plenty of times that I am normal and happy. I can't tell you how many nights I've laid awake in bed and how many days I got out of bed just in time for my family to get home for lunch so they wouldn't know I just got up. Although I haven't talked to my parents about it, I'm sure they have noticed too many times that I'm not ok and they let me get through it. I owe them so much for that because it is SO HARD to put up with someone else's misery. They don't make me talk about it, which I'm also thankful for, there is nothing for me to talk about. It's ok not to be ok! It's fine not to be happy and not to know what you're doing with your life, or what your next big move is, or to be sad about missing someone. It's ok to want to talk about it or to not want to talk about it. It's ok to shut everyone out for a little while.

I'm not sharing my story for everyone to look at me and think, Oh poor Sarah B, we need to be nice to her. In fact, I know there will be people who look at this as a cry for attention. Maybe it is, whatever. There will be people who tell me I shouldn't put the chemicals in my body - but the fact still remains, my body doesn't give me everything I need, I don't know yet if I can. What I'm really hoping for are the people who will read this and identify with me. The people who have been hiding a part of themselves because they are worried, or scared, or feel shameful that they've lost control. Chemical/hormonal imbalance, anxiety, depression, etc. are real and just as medical as the flu, alzheimer's, and cancer. And yes, I really did just compare all of those things together. It's all about getting back in control, and sometimes that's hard, but it's not impossible. Most of all, you really aren't alone.

It's ok.

My conversation with Jill, asking her if I could write about her in here.

Why I don't feel bad for people with "disabilities"

Calm down, I know the title seems harsh. But, please, before you make any judgements, please read this through with an open mind.

First, let me explain that I rarely use the terms disability or handicap. There are too many negative connotations that go along with those words that instantly put people off. There is too much of a focus that an individual is now somehow limited because of their disability. And I never, ever use the term 'normal' as an opposite of different.

Second, I'm not always the best with words so this post might be very straight forward at times and this is where I need you to know that I mean to say nothing with malice. This is my blog, my opinion, and my experiences only.

Third, I haven't even brushed my teeth yet and my mom is looking at me like I'm crazy because I walked straight out of bed, picked up her computer and said, "I need to write!" (I can't forget everything I was thinking) Obviously, I also look beautiful.

Alright, also. This could be long.

A few months ago, a lady I know who is pregnant found out that her child will probably be born with Down Syndrome. I found myself not feeling sad or sorry for her. Not in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I actually felt excited. Naturally, I didn't say that to her, she was scared, this was brand new to her. I originally wanted to write this post then, but never did.

Yesterday, my mom told me a family we know found out their son is deaf. Born with a sensorineural, mild to moderate hearing loss. The same as my brother.

*For those of you who don't know, there are two main types of hearing losses and I will try to explain them in the most simple way I can. Conductive - typically meaning something is wrong with the sound waves entering your ear; an issue with the ear, ear canal, ear drum, or bones. And Sensorineural - the issue lies in the nerve sending the sound from the ear to the brain. For an explanation of the levels, please go here: http://listeningandspokenlanguage.org/Document.aspx?id=1101 This is the simplest, best explained chart I could find.

Anyway, when my mom told us that this brand new baby boy is deaf, I was excited! It wasn't just me, two other people were excited, someone who is Deaf himself responded with  "Oh really? Cool!" and another hearing man whose parents are Deaf responded "That's awesome!" Genuine, from the heart, excitement from the three of us. Why are we so excited though?

I just told you my brother is Deaf (most of you knew anyway). I was four when he was born and the only memory I truly remember before him was eating dinner at Christmas and proclaiming, "I'm ready for the baby to come!" He has been around my entire life. We (I say that loosely, meaning my parents) found out he was Deaf around 8 months old. Mom said she suspected it earlier, but it wasn't confirmed until then.

From the start, this boy has been different. Different in the way that he hears, in the way that he acts, how he perceives others, treats others, loves, shares, feels, expresses, lives. Mitchell is different and he is the single best thing to ever happen to my life. I've had this conversation with two other of my friends who grew up with a sibling who was different (meaning having some 'disability'). We all feel the same way. Our lives are changed, and we are better people because we grew up with someone different in our family.

Most people don't get this experience. But I did. In my life, I've seen him occasionally struggle socially, academically, random, regular world things that most of us take for granted every day. He always pursued, he never once gave up, never felt sorry for himself, and never lashed out at others. It has helped me to see people differently. Perhaps to be a little more understanding to people who aren't as mainstream as the people I am used to. It has helped me to be more compassionate and understanding in a way that, maybe, they don't receive from a lot of people. It has helped me tremendously as a teacher, to be patient and kind, even when patience and kindness weren't given to me. I sometimes understand people differently because I've seen different.

Even with everything my brother may have encountered while being Deaf, he has always been my rock. He has always given me 100% when I needed it. He has never held back when I needed him and is the only person in my life who I can say has never once let me down or disappointed me. This is where I got my title, Why I don't feel bad for people with "disabilities", Mitchell is different and he is my absolute best friend.

Someone who grows up different has this capacity to love that I've never seen in anyone else. This love is unconditional, it is pure, and it is amazing. Mitchell is the single most accepting person I have ever met. I don't see him turn people away because of something superficial. He sees people for what they are, he looks past face value, and always finds the good in them. Don't get me wrong, of course there are people that he doesn't necessarily get along with, but I know he got the chance to know them before he made any decision.

Now he's an adult, goes to Gallaudet University (the University for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing in Washington, DC). He plays college baseball, writes occasional articles for their newspaper, has an outstanding GPA, is working as a counselor at a camp for Deaf kids this summer... I could go on and on and on... but really, it's not all about him. I'm speaking from my experience within the Deaf Community. I go to visit him as much as I can and Gallaudet feels like home to me. I have met so many people who have accepted me for no other reason than the fact that I was in their presence. And I don't mean that they let me sit with them at the baseball games. I mean they included me, were interested in me, they truly embraced me.

So yes. I was excited when I found out your son was Deaf. Brad was excited, Mitchell was excited. Because you know what you have now? You have a way to look at the world differently. You have all these doors that were open to you, but you never knew were there! You have the chance to raise another amazing person who will touch the lives of others. Maybe someday, years from now, you'll be excited for someone else too.

I'm not a parent and can't pretend to know the struggles of one. But I can tell you this. Having someone who is different in your family is going to bring you some of the happiest, proudest, and most joyful moments of your life. And this is coming from a sibling, imagine how your heart will burst as a parent! No, it won't always be easy - it never is. But you're going to feel love you have never experienced before, and that - that will be amazing.

I hate running.

So, today, I was running.

Don't ask me why.... Also. I'm sorry I never write new blogs anymore! I know all of my loyal friends have been missing me and wondering where the void in their lives originated. I'm sorry you two.

That was a good distraction wasn't it!

To the rest of you. You. If you know me at all you know I hate running. I truly think it's the Devil's work. I do it anyway. Mostly to get rid of fatness. Well today I was doing the Devil's bidding and all I could think about how much I hate running. People say all the time they love running, it's liberating, it makes you feel good, blah blah barf. My sister once told me that once you really get into it and you get a few minutes in it starts to flow and it gets easier... I'm still waiting for that to happen. I think she's a liar.

I hate running and let me tell you all the reasons why.

1. I get out of breath when I even THINK about running.
2. I have little legs. My legs have to move a lot more than normal people's do to make up between time and space.
3. I get bored. Really bored.
4. My hair bounces around. I look like a horse, but oh no, not like a majestic running horse, I look like a horses butt.
5. My skin gets really red when I work out. It's embarrassing to me for some reason. I look like a tomato face.

Stupid. I hate running so much I don't even like when other people run. It makes me feel bad about myself for being so lazy and such a terrible runner. I always have the urge to yell at them. I'm not kidding... Yesterday this man had been running for 87 minutes! That's almost an hour and a half! I felt like he did enough work for the both of us... I almost left!

I don't run outside. I hate the cold and I don't like to bundle up because it's takes more energy (that I don't really have) just to already do something I dislike. 

I also hate lifting weights, the bike, and the stair master.... Pretty much exerting my body in any way. Ugh. But! Today was butt day. At least I got something good going for me!

2KXIV - Wait... Do people still say 2K?

Happy 2014 Nerds!

I recently brought in the New Year (you can thank me later for doing you this big favor) with the most amazing woman to ever walk the face of this planet - Me!

Just kidding... although this is how my thought process went.
-Are people gonna understand that's a joke?
-Wait... Yes, me! I am important
-I need to start treating myself better
-Sarah B, don't be that person who writes a whole self help post about loving yourself
-JILL!

Back to the point! I spent my NYE with my best friend. She's pretty awesome and I feel bad for everyone who doesn't know her. I'm going to be the Maid of Honor in her wedding (that really has nothing to do with NYE, I just wanted to brag for a minute).

We spent the night celebrating in style, no better way to end the year than doing the same things you did all year. And by in style, I actually meant, we wore sweat pants all day, got dressed up for our party, and ended up changing back into sweats at about 10:30. We went shopping, went out for lunch, painted our nails, watched Pitch Perfect, baked cakes, then got ready for our fabulous extravaganza! For those of you who don't know, the definition of Extravaganza (n.) - going to someone's parents house to sit around playing games that test your knowledge of useless information and hanging out on the couch.

I loved it. It was perfect! I love her. She's perfect!

Really though, what I wanted to talk about today are New Years Resolutions.
1. What is the grammatically correct way of saying this. Shouldn't it be New Year Resolutions - because it's a New Year, not a New Years. Or is it New Years Resolution - like you're only making one resolution?
2. Stop judging me

I love when people make resolutions for the new year (<--- problem solved)

First, just because it's the beginning of the year you're going to make some awesome change in your life? Good thing it wasn't important enough to start the moment you realized you needed a change.
I make my resolutions on my birthday every year (I don't really follow through with those either lol)

Second, the gyms are full of either A) people who have absolutely NO idea what they're doing. or B) narcissistic college kids. Neither group stays longer than 2 weeks. Glad that gets resolved quickly!

However, I did decide to make a couple of Resolutions for 2014. They came about during conversations with some friends, so I'll share those with you. You're welcome

Learn a new awesome skill: Cat whispering. Teaching. Cleaning. If you have any suggestions please leave them below.

Me- I'm not going to lose any more weight. My new goal is to gain weight
Jill- Yes! It's so much easier than losing weight
Me- My goal is to weigh 200 pounds
Jill- Perfect!
Me-... no... 250 pounds... it's something to work for
Jill- Right! That's a real goal
This is why she's my best friend. She's so supportive!

Me- I've decided I'm not going on any dates in  2014
Jac- .........
Me- that's the pathetic person's way of justifying being single isn't it
Jac- Hey, it's a good goal. You end up with a boyfriend... good job. You don't... you achieved your goal!

This is my brothers FB status and I think it perfectly explains my attempts at any resolution.

Why do people keep saying it's time to make new year's resolution?! It's kind of stupid really. "New year's resolution: start eating healthier" First day: ate salad, drank water, ate fruits, Avoided cookies and cakes. I can do this! Next day: stuffed head in batch of cookies....

2014 is gonna rock!

Jill and I at Buffalo Wild Wings eating lemons instead of putting them in our water. Solid life choices.

The Bachelorette: Survivor/Apprentice Style

So, recently I was talking with a friend of mine how much we adore men (sarcasm). I think we're both just a little bruised and bitter... but anyway, I really wanted to share the conversation with you.

Me: I'm not dating til I'm married
Her: Hahaha I love that saying! My dad used to tell me all the time that I couldn't have a boyfriend until I was married. I'm so glad someone else understands that! Every time I tell someone, they just stare at me like I'm stupid.
Me: Yes! I'm just going to get married and then get to know my husband and make him take me on dates. Where's the closest mail order bride service I can sign up for?
Her: haha I love it! yeah seriously. ugh
Me: Can we sign up as a group? Like only men from the same neighborhood can marry us?
Her: Yes let's. And we need to be picky
Me: Yes! It's going to be an application and interview process
Her: Oh definitely! We do not need any crazies!
Me: Yea. I know someone that can probably do a background check for us
Her: Perfect! Definitely need those. They need to give us examples of date ideas too... what would they plan for a date?
Me: Omg. This convo will be my next blog (yep!)
Her: hahah yay! Love it! We are pretty smart :)
Me: We are. And we're awesome.
Her: Um yes of course! These men will be put through hell... and then we will be nice :)
Me: Yep! It'll be like the bachelorette except survivor/apprentice style
Her: Yes very good!! That is a great comparison :) and what to give out if we like the person... can't be a rose - that's too nice
Me: No... We punch the people we're getting rid of. The gift to the ones who get to stay is that they don't get abused.
Her: Great idea. I could really go for punching someone lol

Yes... well... so... somehow I always end up solving my problems with violence. That is not a good thing boys and girls. Violence doesn't make you feel better, it's being sneaky and passive-aggressive planning, that will satisfy your anger.

But the point is. My friend and I are both beautiful, awesome, smart, beautiful, funny, blonde women who are fluent in ASL. (I don't know why, but I felt that needed to be included in our talents) We are also beautiful in case you didn't catch that.

We are currently in the process of creating an application to date us. Men who are dumb, mean, liars, or just plain poopy need not apply.

I'm Running Away

I think it's time, my dear, sweet, internet friends... that I do some soul searching. If you're my friend on FB, you probably already saw that I'm going to take a break. What I really need is a little hiatus from social media, from letting what I see happening in other people's lives influence me. I've been going through a decently rough time, just trying to find myself and my purpose and the things that make me happy again. I'm trying to move forward.

I don't even really think it will be a long break. I like seeing what other people are up to on Facebook and Instagram, it's a fun way to stay in touch with their lives even when we are far away. But right now, for me... I see too many things that make me think too much. I see all of my friends who are seemingly moving on with out me. I feel like I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be. I'm not talking about my city or my job, I truly love them both. I mean all of my friends are getting married and having children. That's cool, I have my cat. And one of my fish recently died. I know that I don't need to be married or have children to make me happy, but those are two things that I do really want in my life (eventually). I see these things all the time, so I think I need to have them, it's a continuous reminder that other people have the things I want. I'm sitting over here coveting and brooding. That's not healthy...

I've been alone lately and I don't really like it. But I've been alone watching so many people who are not alone. If I'm going to be alone, I need to do it without desiring the things others have. I'll be back soon, I'm sure because I've never had much will power. But contact me if you want to, I can always use some good news. I'm sure most of you know a friend of mine that can give you my number or address. Please, I beg you, do not call me just to talk about my feelings or what's wrong, I'm so tired of that. Be safe, be healthy, and be happy.

Everything Needs A Title

I know it's been seriously too long since I've blogged... Sorry fans and potential stalkers, please accept my sincerest apologies.

Let me explain myself. For me, this blog is all about being silly. It's not typically meant to be serious because everyone needs something to laugh at. But I just haven't found it in me to be funny, it's hard when you feel like most of your life got put into the washing machine.... with a brand new red sweater. Everything went in one way... and came out completely different than you expected. I also don't like to talk about my 'issues' too much. It makes me feel desperate for attention and dependent and weak. I'm not saying that I'm not these things, because there are times that I definitely am... but it makes me really uncomfortable when people try to offer me solace. If I want to talk about what's wrong with me, I'll come to you. If you are one of those people that feels you need to intervene and make things better, let me tell you the best way to do it.

1. Be funny, most of the time I need a getaway. I love to laugh.
2. Don't try to offer me the story of the same thing that happened to you. It does NOT make me feel better, instead it makes me think more.
3. Don't tell me, it'll get better, oh I'm so sorry... or offer any other type of solution. I don't need a solution to my problems, I need to laugh.
4. Play with my hair. That instantly makes everything better

If you're just nosy (like I am) ask me what's going on. I'll probably tell you. If not, then the worst thing I'll say is that it's none of your business. But if I do decide to tell you, please refer back to my 4 previous points of how to proceed.

ANYWAY! Enough of that.

This weekend I visited a couple friends from college and I was asked twice if I'm still posting my blog... that's not a lot really, but it was weird because I haven't even thought about my blog in months. Then this week I was going through my phone and found all of my blog ideas and added to the list of things I wanted to write about and suddenly two random people (that I didn't even know read this) mentioned it.

So, hopefully I'll get that inspiration to start writing again soon because I really do love it. Writing is a way for me to focus all my thoughts. I feel that my mind is always moving too fast and I can't concentrate. When I write I can only focus on one specific thing at a time. For that short amount of time that my mind isn't running away I'm so calm and relaxed.

Posts to come:
- How to avoid men in the Hearing World vs. the Deaf World
- Layman's Terms: Taxes. Why are these things so complicated?
- Slow turners
- Single people in bars aka Losers
- How bad I am with directions
And my personal favorite

- "Nice Guys" Let me just tell you why you're still single.

The End.