Pimp Nuggets

I say a lot of weird things. I am usually unaware of it, but sometimes it catches my attention. No wait, that's a lie. I'm always aware of it... Sometimes, though, I do say things that I don't realize are weird.

I decided to make a short list of my weird words and phrases to share with you, my ever loving weirdos.

Poop - I know that this actually isn't that weird of a word, but I use it weirdly often. As in almost hourly.

Poop nuggets

Nuggets - in general when talking about people or things is a little strange. I call children nuggets

Gol durdle - in place of gosh darnit! Actually, my whole family uses this phrase with the exception of my dad because he's too cool to be weird. So... My sister and I do this thing where we talk like toddlers and one day she was standing at the fridge and for some reason she was frustrated. I don't remember why... But she struggled to get out the words and out popped Gol Durdle. We both laughed and she tried again and it came out a second time.

As I sit here laughing to myself I realize that it may not be as funny to you. And to that I say poop on you!

Mother- This is one of those words that I can use at nearly any time. As a description: That hurt like a mother! As an exclamation: Oh mother!

Mother Humper- just an extension of mother really. That hurt like a mother humper.

I'm sure there are more that I really can't think of at the moment. And I don't know how to end this post.

Goodbye

Fatty fat fat

It's been too long since I posted and I apologize to you... My dear friend. Why, only friend? As in one, surely there must be more than one person reading this. No, no. I assure you. There isn't. I actually wasn't even talking to you, I was talking to my Internet... Actually if we're going to be specific I was talking to my phone.

I'm blogging on my phone in the sauna. Mostly because I'm that cool. But partly because I'm at the gym. I'm desperately trying to turn this prepubescent boys body into a woman's body before April.

As some of you may know, in April I will be turning 25 :( I don't know how to handle it. All of my life plans are about to be seriously down the drain.

I was supposed to graduate college 2 years ago - bust. It only happened 8 months ago

I was supposed to get a job right after that - surprise! That was the only part that was successful

I was supposed to be married at 24 - bust. But don't worry, all of my friends are making good on this part

I was supposed to have a baby at 25 - bust! Gol Durdle! Now, you'll have to forgive me. I never cuss in writing, it was something my wise mother taught me. But I'm just so upset. I'm a faiiiluuure! (Please imagine me saying that with my hand upon my forehead in a dramatic tone)

Anyway. All of my life failures isn't really what this post is about. This post is about being fat.

About 2 years ago I lost 20 pounds. Between this summer and fall I put 15 of that back on :( I was a piece of poop this summer. I didn't ever exercise, I ate like a man, and I generally was just lazy. When I say 'eat like a man' I like to compare myself to the men in my life... Namely my dad and my brother who are just garbage disposals. If its on your plate you eat it, you eat everything. You aren't picky, you probably don't even know what it's called, you just devour! This is especially true for my brother, I've seen him eat 2/3 of an entire dish of chicken tetrazzini, I wasn't far behind that either. Which is why I got fat.

Now that's another thing. I hate when I say things like 'I got fat' and people come back with 'you're not fat'. Shut up. Did I ask you to compliment me? No. I didn't. The only person I do that for is my boyfriend and most of the time I actually walk him through it
"Now tell me I'm pretty"
"You're so pretty"
"And tell me I'm smart"
"The smartest girlfriend ever"

Did I say "tell me I'm not fat"...?

Um... Uh... Nope. I don't mean turn around an tell me I'm a cow or anything. I just mean that when I say something like that I really am just saying words and I'm not fishing for compliments.

So I happened to gain weight, I prefer to shorten that with 'got fat'. It's not like I got skinnier either, it's definitely noticeable. I'm 5'2 for crying out loud... You notice fatness when it's there. So by telling me you didn't notice or you can't tell... Ha! Please! Don't make it such a joke. I'm just trying to have conversation.

This is also why I never tell people who say 'I'm fat' that they aren't. It's either they are looking for a compliment which I'm not going to give, or they're like me and they aren't sugar coating anything (although I would eat sugar coated anything at the moment).

One more thing! I hate when people try to give me advice. Look, I lost 20 pounds once before and I kept it off for a pretty good while. When was the last time YOU lost that much weight? Probably never. It's stupid annoying. I rarely ask for advice as it is... I know myself, I know my body, I know my own wants and needs... Please don't try to tell me what you think might work , instead how about you try going away. Great thanks.

On my final note I would like to add a picture of me right after I left the sauna. Anyone who knows me knows that I just don't freaking sweat. Here is a picture after sitting in that hot box for 12 minutes.

Someone please use it as a cover photo on a dating website.