My Adventures on Ignoramus Island

As some of you may know, I was kinda sick yesterday. I had a really bad allergic reaction to... something... and I had hives ALL over my body. My hands were swollen, my feet were swollen, my lips, ears and eyelids were all, you guessed it! Swollen! I looked like I walked out of a boxing ring minus all the blood. I felt like it too.

I have gotten hives since I was in the 4th grade... that was 15 years ago. There has never been anything I can remember that triggers it. And quite frankly, it gets really annoying when everyone says "What did you eat yesterday". I understand most people are trying to help, but let's be real friends, do you think I didn't analyze every single thing I've come into contact with?

Alas, this post is not about you, I know you have the best intentions in mind. Next time just don't ask. Also, while I'm on the topic, I've gotten every suggestion under the sun. So you can just hold onto those too. Thanks.

No. Ignoramus Island is all about my adventure yesterday at the Dr's Office.

Now remember, I'm not new to hives. I don't usually go to the Dr. because they are more of an instant thing and many Dr's don't have an open spot when I need it. So I typically head to Urgent Care because they're always taking walk-in's and are open later than your Family Dr.

THIS PLACE! I am saying this is in my most dramatic, fed up, mom-voice. Let me just tell you again. This place was jank! First of all, they don't even open until 9:30 and they close at 5. What a waste of U.C. When I got there at 9:20 there were already 4 cars there. That actually wasn't a big deal.

The big deal was 1. I was sick, 2. I was in pain, 3. I could hardly even hold the pen to fill out my sheet.
I sat in that stupid waiting room watching Maury for TWO HOURS. At 10:33 the front desk nurse called me back and took my payment and said "She'll be with you soon" 45 minutes later, I walked back and asked her when she thought I might be seen. I was trying so hard to be polite and not pushy. I hadn't asked yet, I hadn't even talked to her about anything other than my payment information. She looked at me like you look at a wall during history class. Then she finally got her stuff together, she looked at the chart and said "You're next"

It took another 15 minutes until they called me back. The nurse was super sweet, gentle, and caring. She could obviously see that I was uncomfortable, unable to walk normally, and itchy. Then she walked out and I waited for the Dr. for 20 stupid minutes in that stupid patient room. I had already been there for 2 and a half hours and I had to pee really bad. I could hear the nurses talking outside of my room in their nurses station about their pets, and such. So I opened the door and poked my head out. A pretty blonde nurse was sitting at the computer typing some things up, and the other nurse was sitting there with a chart upside down in her lap not doing anything. I asked them if there was a bathroom I could use. The nurse that was typing answered me and pointed that I could use the one right across the hall.

When I was walking back into my room, the other nurse who wasn't at the computer stood up and followed me into my room. SHE WAS THE DAMN DOCTOR! And excuse me, I'm sorry for cussing. But even now thinking about it my blood is BOILING. I could HEAR her the ENTIRE time I was sitting in that room waiting.

Now. All of that aside, this is really where her stupidity shines. She asked me what was going on and was looking at my chart and my skin. The first words out of her mouth were "I don't really see anything"
NOTHING? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU DON'T REALLY SEE ANYTHING? Do you not see my skin is red and swollen EVERYWHERE? My lips were bruised at that point, and not to mention uneven due to the swelling. I couldn't bend my fingers. My eyelids were SAGGY because of the swelling.

I pointed out the redness and swelling and she says something along the lines of "Yea, I see it's red, but I don't really see any hives" WHAT? Like... lady. Seriously? Have you never seen hives? My fish knew what they were. I don't know who this lady really was, but she was a terrible actor, because there was no way she was actually a Dr. And I'm really not like that. The only ever Dr. I have ever disliked was my dentist, and that was after he tried to put a retainer in my mouth that had never been fitted for me... so he tried to fit me with someone else's mouth piece. Guess what, it didn't fit. Ew.

Off topic. I ended up pulling my pants down right in front of this lady's face because the only place that was dots of hives were in my pelvic area. She wasn't ready for that. I didn't even care. I had to show her a picture of what I really looked like because she couldn't see the puffiness and redness on my eyelids. I asked if I could just get the shot and go home. She didn't have any idea what I was talking about. I tried to explain it, a shot for allergic reactions, cortizone or cortisol? I was unsure of the name, but it's something very similar for patients who have hives. She told me I should go home and eat rice, green beans, and an apple for the next 3 days and start adding 1 thing to my diet every day to see if I could trigger what it was. IRATE-NESS IS STINKING IT!

After all is said and done she walks out of the room and shut the door. She didn't say anything. She didn't tell me if she was coming back, she didn't tell me if she was getting the shot or writing a prescription. She didn't say bye. Nothing. After 15 minutes of listening to her and the other nurse talk about their March Madness brackets, I was irate. I was crying because I was so upset. Over 3 hours in the office, no shot, no help, no one around. I was just crying. I opened the door as the Dr. was walking away. I asked the nice nurse "Can I please go home now?" through my tears. And she said "Yea, honey, your prescription is waiting up front". I didn't say anything, I just walked up front to the dumb desk nurse. At this point I was sobbing and not even trying to hold it back. I announced I wanted to leave, she asked my name and I told her, she handed me 3 papers and I practically ran out of the office.

It was 12:45 and the pharmacy I go to closes at 1 for lunch. I was hoping I could at least make it there in time to put it in before they left. I was still crying my burning tears of anger wishing that I would have told this Dr everything I felt, almost turning around to do so. But I made it to Walmart at 12:54. I tried to dry my tears knowing at this point in my life it didn't even matter because my red eyes and blotchy skin would give me away. I walked up to the drop off counter with dry eyes and the minute the nice guy says "Can I help you?" I started bawling. Right there. In Walmart. I was the Classiest of the classy. I told him I was at the Dr for 3 hours, and what she suggested I eat, that she couldn't even tell I was sick. Just bawling. I think I was probably yelling at him, but he just stood there like any scared man would of a crying woman and listened.

It turned out the pharmacy didn't close until 1:30 for lunch, and I just sat there waiting and crying until it was ready. No, that's not true. I went out to my car and cried it out. For those of you who aren't my boyfriend, you don't realize that when I try not to cry, I just cry harder. So I gave in and sobbed for 20 minutes, walked back into the store, washed my face, and went back over the the pharmacy. I checked out, and they asked if I had any questions. Which of course I did, I didn't even know what this Slug Woman had written out for me. The pharmacist was so kind, he explained everything, and he was very sympathetic. (The guy who put my medications in and made sure they were filled before everyone left for a break also came over to ask if I was doing better. Very sweet.) He pointed out which medications would help my swollen hands, which ones would help the itching, what would make me tired, and how to take the actual medication for the allergy. He was a better Dr in 3 minutes than the Thing at Urgent Care was in 3 hours.

ANYWAY. Today I am feeling much better. I went to school and my kids were so awesome. They did a great job yesterday and were sympathetic today because they knew I still wasn't 100% I didn't have hardly any struggles with them, and I was so thankful to have such great kids all day long!

If you haven't yet seen it, I have added the picture of my lovely self from yesterday. I would like to take this moment to point out some key points in this picture. I'll start at the top. My hands were so swollen I couldn't hold a brush to fix my hair. You can see the splotches of red on my forehead leading down to my eyelids. They are swollen, droopy, and uneven. The bridge of my nose is swollen. My left NOSTRIL is swollen. My right cheek is swollen. My upper lip is swollen weirdly, my bottom lip is almost busted. I swear I cannot believe it didn't bust. And at the bottom, my shoulders are so red and hive-y it's impossible to miss.

And THIS is what that Ignorant Dr 'couldn't really see'

uncool - with no capital letters because that's how uncool it is.

Let’s just take a minute and talk about how cool fishing is.

For those of you who know me (and wish you didn’t, I still don’t know why you waste your time) you know that I really don’t like fishing. I think it’s dumb. Also, I think alive fish are disgusting. The only alive fish I like are in my tank at home… and I do NOT touch them. Their names are Donald and Baby

First, you find yourself a secluded body of dirty, mucky water that you can’t see anything past 3 inches.

Second, you stab a poor little wormy onto the end of a rusty old hook and let him drown. (Also, I know it’s not actually a ‘him’, worms are hermaphrodites, which means they are both male and female and cross fertilize. –I bet you didn’t know how smart I was – but you probably did expect a weirdo like me to put something like that in this blog)

Step 3. You sit and wait. You can’t play in the water because that will scare away the potential fishes. Not that I would anyway because the water is dirty and gross. AND there is a Giant Squid out there somewhere just waiting to kill and eat me.

You can’t be too loud because that will also scare away the fish.

You can’t read or tan because you have to pay attention to the stupid fishing line.

You can’t eat because my general rule of thumb is that your hands are now contaminated with worm goo and if you ingest it you will die. You are only truly clean after you shower.

FINALLY. If you do happen to catch a fish, you can go one of two directions.

1. Grasp your wormy goo hands around the slimy, scaly, hopefully not pokey fish… and throw it back. Which I personally find cruel. You just teased the poor thing with food, stabbed a hole through it’s face, and now…you’re just going to throw it back and leave a deformed fish to go swim around being made fun of by his fish friends for being ugly? Really, you could do that?! What was the whole point of trying to catch him in the first place? For fun? Because we all know that’s not the case.

Or 2. You can eat him. At least the fish didn’t die in vain… It’s little fishy life served a purpose!

Honestly, can I tell you why fishing was probably invented in the first place?

One day there was a man who hated his life so much he would rather watch air blow than go home.

The End. Amen.

GameStop: The Smell of Loser and Shame

Let’s talk about boys here for a little bit.  In what world is it sensible to get rid of some of the things you used to play with to get new things that cost more? Oh, yea… the GameStop world. How many countless times have I seen boys sell their precious games that they just HAD to buy to get a couple bucks to buy the new game that just came out? Here’s what gets me for real. They may get $30 back for 3 games, just to buy 1 new game that costs $60. AND THEY THINK IT’S A DEAL!

Nerd Boy “Yea, I went to GS and I sold back a couple games so I could get the new God of War”

Dumb Girl “Oh that’s cool, so do you like get it for free?” (And yes, I said that like a teenager)

Nerd Boy “No, I got $30 for the old games and the new one was about $60… so it’s like half off!”

NO! No, it is not like half off…. Here’s what actually happened. You no longer have 3 things you used to have, and still had to pay for this one new thing that all you’re going to do in 6 months is try to sell it back again.

The last time I walked into GameStop I was overpowered with this abysmal odor that clung to me like nerds were all clinging to their newly found friends. And by ‘friends’, of course I mean Black Ops II. It was repellant!

Now, I would never choose to go into a GameStop on my own. I’ve been there a couple times with others, but I buy my games from Target, where it’s a little more expected that you shower before leaving your cave. But this time I was on a date and Michael really wanted to see if they had… something… Lord knows I don’t remember, nor do I care, what it was.

It was packed. And I’m not kidding you when I say it smelled like “loser and shame”. I know the smell well. I have a brother and a boyfriend, both of whom have spent hours on end sitting Indian style on the floor in front of the T.V. playing some stupid game. How recent they’ve acquired the game is absolutely proportional to how long they will sit in front of the T.V. The first day of the game is hours upon hours of holding your pee until you absolutely can’t hold it anymore, running to the kitchen to throw some chicken tenders in the microwave so they can heat up while you’re in the bathroom. Staying up all night, ignoring your phone, your family, your girlfriends, until you realize you have to be up in 3 hours so maybe you need some sleep. The second day, you wake up late, don’t shower, run to class, get sweaty, come home, re-heat the chicken tenders and play until you go cross eyed.

Eventually, you come back to normal life, the game isn’t as important… but your butt prints are still in the carpet and you can still faintly smell the shame seeping out over the air fresheners your mom bought you.

Don’t get me wrong, I love all my boys very much. I bought my brother Black Ops II when it came out, and it’s not always even boys. My best friend, Kristen, is an avid gamer. But she doesn’t smell bad when she plays too long.

Please, if you ever wonder how serious I’m being… go to your nearest GameStop and just walk in for a minute. Take a breath (not a deep one, we don’t want you to choke) and just observe what is going on around you. You’ll understand.

Bleh! I get chills just thinking about it!