uncool - with no capital letters because that's how uncool it is.

Let’s just take a minute and talk about how cool fishing is.

For those of you who know me (and wish you didn’t, I still don’t know why you waste your time) you know that I really don’t like fishing. I think it’s dumb. Also, I think alive fish are disgusting. The only alive fish I like are in my tank at home… and I do NOT touch them. Their names are Donald and Baby

First, you find yourself a secluded body of dirty, mucky water that you can’t see anything past 3 inches.

Second, you stab a poor little wormy onto the end of a rusty old hook and let him drown. (Also, I know it’s not actually a ‘him’, worms are hermaphrodites, which means they are both male and female and cross fertilize. –I bet you didn’t know how smart I was – but you probably did expect a weirdo like me to put something like that in this blog)

Step 3. You sit and wait. You can’t play in the water because that will scare away the potential fishes. Not that I would anyway because the water is dirty and gross. AND there is a Giant Squid out there somewhere just waiting to kill and eat me.

You can’t be too loud because that will also scare away the fish.

You can’t read or tan because you have to pay attention to the stupid fishing line.

You can’t eat because my general rule of thumb is that your hands are now contaminated with worm goo and if you ingest it you will die. You are only truly clean after you shower.

FINALLY. If you do happen to catch a fish, you can go one of two directions.

1. Grasp your wormy goo hands around the slimy, scaly, hopefully not pokey fish… and throw it back. Which I personally find cruel. You just teased the poor thing with food, stabbed a hole through it’s face, and now…you’re just going to throw it back and leave a deformed fish to go swim around being made fun of by his fish friends for being ugly? Really, you could do that?! What was the whole point of trying to catch him in the first place? For fun? Because we all know that’s not the case.

Or 2. You can eat him. At least the fish didn’t die in vain… It’s little fishy life served a purpose!

Honestly, can I tell you why fishing was probably invented in the first place?

One day there was a man who hated his life so much he would rather watch air blow than go home.

The End. Amen.